Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
