At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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