I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
