when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
