Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize