New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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