end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
