Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
