Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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