your parents love me but you hate me
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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