i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
