i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
FUCK WHALES
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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