i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
