My hand turned me down
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
