My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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