He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
