my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
