Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
