we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
