Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
