I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize