If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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