I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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