The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
