don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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