I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
