oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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