wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
