she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
