I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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