I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
