You're my little dorito
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
