You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
