Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
