I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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