do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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