i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She bit a glass in half.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
