i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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