she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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