yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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