If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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