looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
