woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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