Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
be right there i have to get my cape
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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