I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I touched a dick in church today
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
