He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
