Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
