i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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