Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
