you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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