More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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