My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
