Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
