paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
