just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
