saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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