Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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