Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
