im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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