i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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