tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
