Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
