My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
