Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
